When Life Throws Curve Balls

It’s been a Curve-Bally kind of week. I had two trips to the ER (last Monday and Wednesday) and one trip to the OR (last Thursday) for a D&C and an endometrial biopsy. A wild week indeed. In between I spent time worrying, and researching, reading and wondering…what might happen next.

Then, I waited for the results. Waiting is the hardest part.

Thankfully, the universe intervened at the height of my worry to remind me of some wisdom I must live by.

I walked out of the ER downtown on Wednesday afternoon feeling numb and dazed, after some blood tests and an ultrasound. I was on my way to my biopsy appointment when I looked up from the sidewalk to see one of my oldest Seattle friends, who I’d met when I moved here 20+ years ago. We had an instant connection back then, as kindred spirits, adventure seekers, and glass-half-fullers. We don’t see each other often but when we do it’s pure happiness and ease. Neither of us are people who hang out in small talk very long and this unplanned sidewalk chat was no exception.

We gave each other a big hug and I immediately thought, what are the chances? I knew he could likely feel the anxiety oozing from my pores so I shared that I had just left the ER for the second time that week. We immediately connected over the emotional and difficult year we had each had, for different reasons. He lost a child last year which is a pain I cannot imagine. I lost body parts and much of my paradigm for life.

It turns out we both learned a lot about being human over this past year.

We talked about how, despite the pain that life can serve up, joy is present too. But sometimes it can feel like there is an unwritten rule against seeking or experiencing joy during times of pain or tragedy. Like you’re supposed to wait for the shitty stuff to end before you can let the beautiful stuff in again. But life just isn’t that organized or tidy. It’s unruly and messy and all the things end up blending together in the same soup. These experiences teach us that life is precious and finite and we have to give ourselves permission to find joy alongside the tragedies and uncertainties.

The universe delivered him to that sidewalk right when I needed a hug and his friendship. Had I left the ER twenty seconds earlier or later I would have missed him. As our convo came to a close and we readied ourselves to say goodbye, he shared a quote he’d recently read or heard somewhere that had resonated deeply with him:

“I’m thinking the trick is not trying to keep the joys and the tragedies apart.”

What a beautiful sentiment to live by.

I decided right then and there that it was the best thing I’d heard in a long time and the perfect mantra as I went into my week of waiting and worrying.

I left that exchange and went about my life worrying AND enjoying the great weather and my family. I had blocked the entire week off of work for a “writing week” but I pivoted and chose what felt right (hour by hour and day by day) instead.

I spent time walking in the woods, skiing, enjoying movie nights with Brad and the kids, spent quality time with friends, went to the gym, watched Selma to lead us into learning & discussion on MLK day, and played hooky with Ben on Tuesday and again with Adi on Friday. It was a worry-filled AND wonderful week.

The kids have officially caught on to the fact that I’m saying ‘yes’ to all that feels right and ‘no’ to all that does not. Extra time with each of them pretty much always feels right, so it was a no-brainer when Ben looked at me with his big blues on Tuesday and informed me that he was taking a personal day. He wanted to hang out with me, shoot hoops, and watch Lost in Space — our show. So that is what we did.

Starting last year we implemented personal days, where Adi and Ben each get three or four days–in addition to the regular school holidays–to spend as they wish. We are trying to instill (in this non-stop, high-achieving USA culture) that it’s important to take breaks when they need it, not just when others say it’s ok. We are teaching them to listen to themselves and to take a mental health day, a rest day, or a play day, before they are rundown or sick.

Our culture, overall, absolutely sucks at teaching this.

So, given the year I just had and the year I’m currently having, I’m taking that education (and modeling) into my own hands! I’m listening to myself and it is rubbing off on them. It took me until age 51 to realized that some days are just fucked beyond repair and going back to bed is a completely viable and wise option from time to time. It took getting cancer for me to learn to take a nap.

I’ve spent years teaching myself and my kids do do hard things. To push through and fight the voices in their heads that say “I can’t” or “I’m scared” or “I’m not good at that”. I’ve taught them not to back down in the face of fear or discomfort — because that is where growth and breakthroughs happen. I’ve taught them about the close relationship I’ve built with Fear. And Courage. And I’ve introduced them to one of my besties, Suck-it-the-fuck-up. At times I’ve half-jokingly asked them, “Should I call the whambulance?” when they were whining or complaining about this or that.

I stick by those messages, and…

Now I’m introducing them (and myself) to the other side of that, and to my new friends. Rest. Trust. And Stillness.

I really enjoyed being a partial beneficiary of their personal days last week. I love those babies. So much. They are good for my heart and for my health. And I am good for theirs.

Seven days later…I got the biopsy results.

It was good news. NO CANCER!

It will take a little time to figure out what exactly is going on, but I’ll take “it” over cancer.

When I got my results I felt grateful for the practice I had gotten in choosing joy alongside the worry.

I thought back over the past 18-months to the multiple times I had to wait for results. The biopsies. The lymph nodes. The scans. And pathology reports. I remember being terrified. I do not remember experiencing much joy during those times.

I couldn’t help but compare the person that I am today to the person that I was 18 months ago. It was undeniable; I had grown. I saw my new found ability to tap into all five of my senses to get through the most trying minutes of my week, and find bits of joy.

When I found myself worrying and ruminating while I walked through the woods with Gilly, I brought myself back to the moment. I noticed myself thinking and spinning and worrying, and I consciously decided to pivot my focus to smelling the fresh air and the trees, feeling the ground underneath my feet, and watching Gilly’s boundless energy and playful spirit bring a smile to my face.

There was more joy in that.

Or when I found myself distracted by my thoughts and worries again on Friday as I snuggled up with Adi to watch a movie. I refocused my attention on smelling her head (us moms do that) and touching her soft hair as she nestled in close. We chose a comedy and I found myself laughing out loud.

There was more joy in that.

It was nothing short of remarkable to practice living in the present. I think I am discovering, for the first time in my life, what it actually means to “be present”. Not just in the good times–when it’s effortless–but in the hard times too.

When I was first diagnosed with cancer, multiple people recommended that I read the book The Power of Now by Ekert Tolle. I remember thinking, Do you know what it feels like to be here–inside THIS body and THIS mind right now? NOW is horrible. I want no part of it! So, with all due respect, please take your advice and shove it up your ass.

I’m really sorry I was so mean to those people (in my head). Please forgive me, friends. I know you were trying to help. And you were right. But clearly I needed to get there in my own time.

I am not a junky for the past, I am a junky for the future. I am someone who doesn’t look back too much. I don't ruminate on the what-ifs. I move on from disappointments and failures fairly quickly.

However, I AM guilty of getting downright sloppy drunk on the future.

I love to dream, plan, set goals, and make shit happen. From planning our next trip or adventure to setting business targets and goals. I put a lot of energy there.

That’s all good, but I’m trying to come into balance. I’m trying to notice when I’m robbing myself of the joy that is available to me right now, because my thinking-planning-ruminating mind is driving the bus. Ekert, I still have not read your book. Is it possible that I got all I needed to know from the title?

I’m learning. I’m practicing. And I’m feeling a lot happier because of it.

And, let me just repeat…I DONT HAVE CANCER!!!!!