Utter Chaos; The Adventure Continues (at home)
Our family is living through a phase of what feels like utter chaos. Some unavoidable. Some self-inflicted.
The unavoidable stuff is the usual chaos and heightened workload that comes along with kids going back to school, plus other unforeseen things such as Gillie eating (a lot) of sand and spending 20+ hours over two days at various vets and the pet ER, Ben being exposed to COVID and therefore needing to postpone things/quarantine yet again, and worst of all, Brad being in chronic pain & being jerked around by our insurance company. His hip replacement surgery was scheduled for April before being denied, canceled, rescheduled, delayed, rescheduled again, and then moved up to “let’s do this next week” when x-rays showed that his femur bone is collapsing into his hip socket. Fun times.
It’s been a wild ride lately and I haven’t even gotten to the self-inflicted stuff.
Before realizing the above would unfold the way that it has, we made the decision to sell our rental house in West Seattle (paperwork hell), purchase a different rental house in Roslyn WA (paperwork hell+ learn how to be Air BnB hosts), and refinance our primary house (since we were already in paperwork hell, why not). I also decided I needed a goal that would inspire me to get in the pool on a regular basis so I signed up to swim from Alcatraz to San Francisco in September (which I am training for). And finally, back in May, Brad and I both set some important personal/professional goals. I threw my hat in the ring for a Seattle startup accelerator program & I was selected! And Brad set out to record his best songs into an album. We don’t regret pulling the trigger on any of these things, but lately it has felt a bit like drinking water from a fire hose. Both invigorating and exhausting.
I’m not done.
What this story doesn’t convey is all the stuff you cannot see, the feelings. Greif & excitement that kids are both moving into new schools (my mama-heart is feeling all the feels and some days it leaks right out my eyeballs). Worry that Delta is going to screw it all up. The sadness, fear, and helplessness I feel watching Brad be in constant pain and not be able to do ANYTHING about it (except maybe that appeal letter I wrote, where I bundled my rage towards Premera with my love for Brad and successfully scared them into submission). Passion, excitement, and fear related to work (this part is familiar). Guilt about not getting back to friends & family.
As the mom of the house, when anyone is feeling things, I know that they are feeling things. I either sense it (in Ben’s case) or hear it (in Adi’s case) or a bit of both (in Brad’s case). In addition to my feelings, the feelings of my family take up emotional real estate too. Everyone who loves someone knows this feeling.
Our house is an absolute train wreck. The laundry isn’t done. Our washer keeps stopping in the spin cycle. I don’t have any clean underwear. And, for the last three weeks, we generally have no idea what we are eating for dinner until somebody says I’m hungry.
My to-do list is a mile long and sits on the one patch of my dining room table that isn’t cluttered with work files, back-to-school paperwork, refi docs, and the dishes leftover from breakfast. We knew when Brad went back to work, after 7 years of being home with the kids, that we were going to have to let a lot of stuff go, get the most important stuff right, and get comfortable with piles. We have taken it to a whole new level this past couple of months!
Adi is old enough to make her own lists now and I’ve noticed that any anxiety she feels about starting high school seems to find its way onto the page in the form of all the things she needs, or needs to do, before school starts — clothes, shoes, haircut, physical exam so she can do sports, sports sign up, sports gear, an appointment with her high school counselor, learn how to put on makeup, and more. After many months of living in PJs and flip-flops, we are all out of practice. I also know when Adi is feeling the feels because her room gets spotless. I wish the rest of us had that trait.
Since the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time, Adi and I decided we would try to get one item checked off her to-do list each day until school starts. Brad and Ben are teaming up to cover the boy-stuff, which has consisted of online shopping at UnderArmour. Boys are so easy. Adi and I started last Sunday with a “quick trip” to Nordstrom for a makeup lesson — because God knows I’m not going to be able to teach her much about makeup. We walked out 3 hours later having spent significantly more than I had anticipated, on makeup for both of us. I remember thinking what just happened? I hate shopping. I also hate spending money on shit we don’t need.
The next day I had a serious case of buyer’s remorse. As I rode my bike back from the pool (my thinking time), I contemplated how I could talk to Adi about it without disappointing her. Minutes later she called me on my cell phone and admitted that she didn’t want to appear ungrateful, but she was not sure she would use all the stuff we bought. She too felt bad about the money we had spent, knowing that most of the makeup would sit in a drawer unused. We realized we had gotten sucked into the shopping vortex, agreed to return most of it, and had a good laugh as we realized we both felt the same way. We also came to the conclusion that no amount of shopping can buy away your anxiety, unfortunately.
Then came my absolute favorite part — the part EVERY mother of a teenage girl wants to hear. She said, in an almost irreverent way, “I mean, I LIKE my face. I don’t need all that makeup!” I could have hopped off my bike and done a happy dance right then and there. I thought if I had to endure Nordstrom’s to hear her say that, then it was worth it. Like the Visa commercials say; priceless.
As a family, I think we are all still adjusting to Brad working full time. For many years he was the CHO (Chief Home Officer). He managed everything on the home front so I could spend my family time with the family, and my work time on work. I look back on those years with so much gratitude. I love making food and bringing it to him at his desk these days because for years he basically fed me during every busy and intense period of my work. He would pop into my office when I was in back-to-back meetings or lost in a creative zone, and set a smoothie down on my desk. The other day he asked me “Do you miss me feeding you?” hahahah. Yes, I do. I also miss him grocery shopping, doing all the laundry, cooking, shuttling kids, scheduling doctor/dentist appointments, organizing our lives, and so much more.
Nowadays, like most parents in two-working-parent households, it’s like we are running a logistics business together. I’ll do this. You do that. Adi do this. Ben do that. I got this. You got that. We are both aware that our year of travel and both of us spending much of our twenties in service industry jobs has prepared us for all this juggling. We call it “hurricane mode” when we go through phases where we have 18 things to juggle at once. It is overwhelming but also brings with it a sense of we-got-this accomplishment. I sometimes joke with people that if someone dropped my 20-year-old self into my current life, that young woman would look around and say, that’s impossible! Luckily, we know this is a passing phase as opposed to our new normal.
But…
All of this has made me reflect on the fact that you just never know what people are going through. So many people are going through similar (and different) challenges to the ones I’ve described above. All we see is the part of the duck that looks calm on the surface of the water, without having any idea of the rapid paddling they are doing to stay afloat or the feelings that they have on the inside.
Keep on paddling everyone! Whatever you may be going through, I’m sending you love and a hearty sense of adventure. Looking forward to reconnecting when things settle down.
With love,
Mitch
