Is your Resentment Meter Growing by the Day? 5 Ways to keep the peace at home amidst Coronavirus
One of my worst (and best) memories about resentment was nearly 7 years ago when my husband and I were both working full time jobs, while sharing all household and kid related duties. It was a period where we felt more like human doings than human beings. It had been an exhausting week for both of us and our energy was depleted. I had cooked dinner and it was his turn to do the dishes. He assured me he would clean up the kitchen before he left the next morning on a 3-day trip with his brothers. When I woke up the next morning to a sink full of dishes, I went from zero to ten on the resentment meter. I wasn’t just resentful, I was mad.
I decided then and there that I was not going to do the dishes. Instead, as the weekend progressed, I dirtied nearly every dish, pot and pan in the house and left them scattered across counters and stove-top, awaiting my husband’s return on Sunday night.
I even went so far as to create a “resentment gauge” out of my kid’s art supplies. I’m not a crafty person, but let’s just say that my anger brought out my creative side. I drew and cut a thermometer out of red construction paper and numbered the gauge vertically, from 1 (low resentment) to 5 (moderate resentment) to 10 (extreme resentment). Then I cut out a white arrow and taped it to the gauge, pointing at 8.5 on the scale. I provided a key to interpret the gauge. It was simple. It said: Above level 8 = wife on strike.
By the time my husband returned home, the kitchen was a disaster zone. My art project hung proudly on a cupboard just to the left of the kitchen sink.
He walked into the kitchen, saw the mess and the gauge, and looked both amused and confused (if not a bit afraid). By then I had cooled down, and the story ended in a healthy conversation, some rebalancing & recommitment to our respective chores, a hug, and a clean kitchen. Ultimately, this was not my finest hour. There are clearly better ways to handle resentment that builds in our relationships, but the point is that resentment does build in our relationships. And, occasionally we have to go in and clean it up.
Amid the Coronavirus pandemic, I can almost see the resentment gauges climbing across homes in America and beyond. Being together so much is like putting our relationships in a petri dish — everything that was already there is now magnified. There is a new (temporary) normal unfolding, where families, partners and spouses are spending more time together than ever before. This means that the rules around what is fair and balanced in our household is under the spotlight on a whole new level.
This is not a new concept — so old in fact — that it has a name; The Second Shift. The second shift is the work we do after we leave our day job and return home. Or, a full-time role for those who are stay at home spouses. According to The Bureau of Labor Statistics, Full time working women still shoulder twice the burden of housework and childcare duties as their full-time working male counterparts. The Coronavirus is simply bringing issues and inequities around the second shift into sharper focus causing resentment in many households.
5 tips for keeping the peace at home:
#1 Establish a fair balance of household and childcare responsibilities. If you typically have help with childcare or your household upkeep, you or your partner may not be aware of what goes into holding down the fort (ie. grocery shopping, cooking, dishes, laundry, cleaning house, paying bills, helping kids with schoolwork, yard work, car maintenance, pet care, doctor/dentist/pharmacy, recycling & trash, correspondence with teachers, friends, community, other errands, etc.
So. Many. Things.
Start by writing everything on a list. Awareness is the first step. Discuss who usually does what, and now, given the circumstances, what is fair and equitable? This is not a one-and-done conversation and you may not get this right immediately. Keep talking and rebalancing until it feels right. And, of course get your kids involved in ways big and small, depending if they are big or small.
#2 Be a good human. Each of us is struggling in different ways. We may be irritable from being cooped up. We may have money worries. We may feel like inadequate homeschool teachers to our kids or inadequate bosses to our employees. People aren’t perfect. We are all fixer-uppers. Choose empathy, kindness and flexibility. Except when you don’t ;-)
#3 Establish a fair schedule. I recently spoke to a client who usually has daycare so that he and his wife can go to work. With new protocols, their childcare is unavailable, and he and his wife are both working from home. They have established a schedule of taking turns with the baby, while the other one is on conference calls/getting work done. Instead of making assumptions about what works for your partner, talk about it. Also discuss the schedule with your colleagues so they understand your circumstances and availability.
#4 Set clear boundaries. I walked by my neighbor’s house the other day and she was setting up a plastic bubble tent in her front yard. When I asked what she was doing, she simply said “I need space.” Fair enough. Don’t we all! She works from home and usually has the house to herself for several hours per day. However, she (like many of us) now has her spouse and two kids home all day, every day. She’s had to get creative in order to carve out some space for herself. I recommend that you do the same — whether your family likes it or not. In the end you will teach them to be direct with what they need, which is a helpful lesson for all of us, right?
#5 Mind your resentment meter. One way to reflect and examine the fairness level in your relationship is for you to ask yourself a reflection question from time to time. Simply ask yourself (and perhaps your partner or spouse): On a scale of 1–10, where 1 is low, 5 is moderate, and 10 is high, how much resentment do I feel in my relationship? Is the division of labor at home fair?
In my relationship, ever since the resentment-meter art project, we have a common language to draw upon (and a common visual). Both of us now have plenty of practice tuning into our internal resentment gauge and being transparent with our number. This has led to many honest and fruitful conversations over the years, that have ultimately kept our relationship healthy. I wish the same for you.
Mitch Shepard is a mother, wife, passionate world traveler, and executive leader. As the CEO & Chief Truth-Teller at HUMiN inc, Mitch has spent nearly 20 years coaching & training some of the worlds top leaders. Her specialties are leader/manager effectiveness and inclusion. Visit www.humininc.com to learn more and join our mailing list.
