Eviction Day

Ive been up since 1:45am, unable to sleep. Thankfully surgery begins early because I’m impatient. After weeks of tests and planning, I finally get to go under the knife and get this cancer out of my body.

Can I get a whoot-whoot!

People have been texting and calling me over the past day to send their love and to see how I’m doing. The honest answer is that I’m doing great. It feels weird to say that, because I’ve learned that people look at you a little sideways when you have cancer and say you’re doing great. If you don’t have cancer that is a perfectly acceptable answer, but when you have cancer you are expected to be anything but great. Of course, the answer to this question varies significantly from day to day.

I spent the better part of last week feeling sad, nervous, and nostalgic. Not so much nervous about the surgery itself, but about how I would feel about my body on the other side. Will I be able to look at myself in the mirror? Will my body look like Frankenstein?

Part of what helped me move from sad and scared to feeling grounded and ready was an impromptu party that a few of my best girlfriends (and Adi) hosted for me last Thursday. A goodbye-boobs party. There was pin the nipple on the boob (compliments of Adi), boobie cupcakes of all colors, bra-burning (I’ve always wanted to do that), hot tubbing, wine, and some very thoughtful (and useful) gifts.

But it was the kind, inspiring, and uplifting words of my friends (plus Adi & Ruby) in the form of stories, letters, and poems, that turned out to be the greatest gift of all. I didn’t know I had so many tears to cry until they started speaking my love language — words of affirmation.

Each of them, in their own way, reinforced something I knew but needed to be reminded of…the core of me is still me. It’s just the home I live in that is going through a bit of a remodel. Like most remodels I’m sure this one will take longer and cost more than anyone could have predicted, but my hope is that I find a way to feel as at home in my new body, as I have in the old one.

Wish me luck. Pray for me. Send good vibes or healing energy. Whatever it is YOU do…do THAT. Thank you all.