Civility (and hope)Across Party Lines
A Text Conversation
Below is my word-for-word text exchange between myself and someone I love dearly, who is on the other side of the aisle. (Permission granted to share it).
Thursday 7/25
JAR: I saw your post on Kamala. I would love to hear your thoughts. I’m not seeing what you are. She seems messy to me but I’m not exactly doing the work to change my opinion!
Me: Yeah, do the work. Read up on her. Compare your idea of “messy” to other leaders and ask yourself if you’d perhaps use a different term. It’s time to challenge our biases for sure. Anyone can disagree with her plans and policies — that is valid — but criticizing her style or all the BS about her being a “DEI candidate” is so disturbing, given her qualifications and level of leadership. I know that is not what you are saying, but it’s important for all of us to examine those internal thoughts and biases. Good for you for doing that. I am too.
JAR: I couldn’t agree more. I want to like her. I find her speeches hard to listen to. That being said, I didn’t really pay too much attention to fact-checking because she wasn’t running. I know she’s smart! She has to be to get where she is. I’m wondering if her speech writers aren’t great. That’s what I mean by messy.
Me: Keep in mind, she could very likely still be getting her messaging down since it’s only been four days. People (all of us) tend to be so used to the speech patterns, posture, tone, and tenor of men that sometimes people don’t even know how to listen to women. It’s like something feels “off” but we don’t realize it is our brains trying to reconcile what we are used to.
JAR: It’s not her tenor or anything. It’s not even recent. She has a few speeches that are hard to watch because it feels like she doesn’t know the answer so she just keeps talking. I don’t know. It makes her sound uncomfortable and unintelligent, which she isn’t. I feel like maybe she wasn’t prepared or maybe she isn’t good off the cuff. Maybe she has to downplay her intelligence for Joe? I don’t have a problem with her politics or her. I just want someone who doesn’t break my heart when I listen to them.
I do not respond to the above text right away, because I’m busy with my workday, but later that evening, I join the “Answer the Call” zoom session with white women and find myself writing down this quote in my journal from one of the speakers: “When you speak poorly of women in power, they will never hear you. But your daughters and sons will. Your sisters will. Your mother will.” We both care deeply about bettering the world for women, our kids, and our responsibility to “update their operating systems,” as I often refer to it.
Me: “Holy Sh*t. This call is amazing!” (I attach a picture of my notes with the handwritten quote above).
JAR: That’s SO good!
Saturday 7/27/24
I pick up the phone and call her Saturday morning, as I drive out for a hike and some alone time in the mountains. Our convo is awesome. Very loving. Calm. Smart. Curious. Passionate. We share a lot about what we each believe in (and don’t). We discover that one of the main issues that unites us is reproductive rights. She tells me, “Even though I don’t think I would choose to have an abortion, I think each of us needs to make that decision for ourselves.”
We hang up after over an hour-long chat, and I have a long drive ahead of me. I put on a podcast. It’s Kamala Harris being interviewed on “We Can Do Hard Things,” recorded just two days after Joe Biden stepped down.
Once I finish, I attach the episode to our very lengthy text thread.
Me: Hey, it was so good talking to you! I just listened to this podcast, and Kamala is just so genuine and spicy related to reproductive rights. It may give you a chance to see her as non-messy. (Our conversation with Kamala Harris: We Can Do Hard Things)
JAR: Yes, please! I’m listening to that as soon as I can. I really feel like she gets put on the spot. I’m wondering also if she is coached to act like that. I don’t feel like it’s real.
Two days go by…
Monday, 7/29/24, I receive this text…
JAR: I’m listening to that podcast about Kamala. She’s magical! Thank you! This was exactly what I needed!
I give it a heart emoji (but no emoji could convey the warmth and hope I feel inside).
Today, 7/31/24 after I made the video, I sent her a message…
Me: Hiya! How would you feel about me sharing our text exchange (in a piece I’m writing)? To give people hope about what it looks like to stand up for what we believe and get into conversations with people who believe differently than we do. I think a lot of people could really benefit from seeing that kind of open communication and curiosity. LMK! I appreciate you more than you know. The fact that we were able to have a civil and inspiring convo and text exchange together, without getting mad, meant the world to me. Given how incapable I have been of that in the past. Xo lmk
JAR: Hey! I feel the same way! I love how we connect. And that you have seen me as an adult and not as a young naïve republican! You know I will do anything to support you. Of course, you have carte blanche to any conversations!
I know some may think “Politics has no place on LinkedIn”. To that I say, this is not just about politics. This is an opportunity to SEE and talk about the ways in which we see women, especially BIPOC women, being treated, judged, evaluated, and held to double standards.
My goal is to keep practicing. I have failed many more times than I have succeeded in these conversations, but I’m staying with it.
Does anyone else have some stories to share about engaging across party lines (and managing to stay loving and productive)? It’s SO difficult sometimes. For me, I try to remember that everyone has a story.
I would love to hear more stories and examples if/when anyone is willing to share.
Mitch Shepard is a Chief Truth-Teller, a trusted coach & adviser to some of the world’s top leaders, an applied behavioral scientist, an author, a passionate world traveler, a sought-after speaker, a recovering Catholic, and an ass-kicker of cancer.
Currently seeking a publisher for my upcoming book “Lessons From My Daughter: Breaking Free, through the Peaks, Pivots, and Mindf*ckery of Motherhood”
