Cemo is NO JOKE
I hit a low yesterday — not in my spirits but in the way I feel physically.
I have been feeling like absolute garbage for the past 3 days. I think I began feeling this way once the steroids wore off after my last treatment. So shitty. Rashes, sores, perpetual bloody noses, watering eyes, night/day sweats, nausea, headaches, dizziness. Exhausted.
For the past 3 days, I have finished my workday around 4:30 or 5 and climbed immediately into bed for a 2–3 hour nap. It’s SO unlike me. It's disorienting to feel the kind of tired I’ve felt these past few days. Also, I look at myself in the mirror and see what a beating my skin has taken.
I sent the above photo of me and Ben to my girl crew via text yesterday, with the caption It’s official, I look like death. My friend, Robin got back and said I could be an extra in a zombie movie.
Damn, I LOVE funny people. One cancer perk is all the funny things that the funny people in my life say that make me laugh out loud.
I felt so bad yesterday that I actually took a Covid test. I figured something else HAD to be going on. But it came back negative. No Covid. Just chemo.
One of my clients who knows me well enough for me to show up bald and looking a little haggard, complimented me yesterday for being so strong. I swear I almost broke down crying. I bit my lip. I know I’m strong. I know I can do this. Cancer has tested me in some big ways and most days I feel proud when I think about what I’ve been through and what I’ve been able to withstand (mostly with a genuine smile on my face and a natural set point dialed to optimism).
but…
Oh. My. God. This week.
This week I could shout about my misery from the mountain tops. And I have…to my family and my girl crew and anyone who will listen.
There is no part of me that feels like giving up (as if that’s a choice-it’s not) or feels like I can’t do this (I can), but I’ll admit, hearing those words of encouragement from my client meant the world. Those words came at the very moment I needed them most. Because I didn’t feel too strong. It reminded me that strength isn’t necessarily about looking strong, as much as it is about carrying on with a relatively good attitude despite the circumstances.
I share this because while cancer& chemo it is its own thing….there are MANY things we go through as humans that take us down temporarily, in one way or another… mentally, emotionally, or physically. Yet generally speaking other people have no clue what’s going on on the inside. How could they, right?
Having that client and so many of my friends, family, neighbors, and clients love on me through this has really taught me how to look beyond the outer expressions of a person and show a little extra love and kindness to people. I will be forever paying it forward.
And now… I head into chemo #11 with my Mom. Hopefully, the steroids they give me will pull me up for a few days. Only two more treatments to go!!!
My tree-hugging & forest bathing continues to pull up my white blood cell counts. They monitor my blood levels very closely and since I started spending as much time as possible with old-growth trees my White Blood Cell (WBC) has been in the normal range for the first time in 10 weeks. Pretty Amazing.
By Mitch shepard:
Mitch Shepard is an Applied Behavioral Scientist, the CEO of HUMiN, a trusted adviser to global leaders, mother of two awesome kids, a wife, a passionate world traveler, a dog lover, and an ass-kicker of cancer!
