Breaking Free: 10 Things We Must Unlearn as Women

As my baby girl prepares to fly the nest next fall, I’ve been contemplating how it hasn’t just been her growing up over the past 18 years.

It’s been her and I growing up together.

Being her mom has updated my operating system in ways I could never have predicted. I like to think I’ve updated her operating system too.

One of my goals as a mom has been to prevent my daughter, to the degree possible, from taking on the same “bugs” that my operating system inherited from generations before me. And yet, as hard as I’ve tried, I’ve seen some of these same “bugs” showing up in her.

Gone unchecked, cultural and societal norms can make us sick. Keep us stuck. Rob us of our joy and our power.

As a mother, and as a leader, I’ve had to unlearn as much as I’ve had to learn.

Unlearning is critical to becoming the person we are meant to be. Not the person culture tells us we should be.

Here are ten of the “rules” and implicit beliefs I believe we must break free from as women:

1. There is a right and wrong way to be a woman.

Nope. Your gender doesn’t define how you have to act or what you have to do. Let your values be your guide. Decide who you are and what is important to you. Infuse that into all life choices. Motherhood. Leadership. Relationships. How you spend your time, money, and energy.

2. All of us have the same opportunities and access.

Nope. Privilege and invisible advantages are real. We have vastly different experiences, access, and positions on the hierarchy of privilege, depending on what geography, family, and body we sit in.

3. We must do all the things. So be sure to die trying.

Nope. Stop with the perfectionism and the unrealistically high expectations. It’s tempting to think, “Nobody else can do it the way I do and if I don’t do it nobody will.” It’s not just ok to ask for help and ensure fair distribution of “things”…it’s necessary. Not doing so is a recipe for burnout. We must learn to trust the ebbs and flows of our energy and create a pace that is fit for human habitation.

4. Be polite and kind above all else. Put other people’s needs above your own.

Nope. We must be willing to disappoint people to be true to ourselves. “Never be so kind, you forget to be clever. Never be so clever, you forget to be kind. Never be so polite you forget your power. Never wield such power, you forget to be polite.” — Taylor Swift.

5. Beauty is your most important asset.

Nope. Focus on your brain, your values, your passions, and your gifts. Let’s stop perpetuating the belief that our beauty is what makes us important. We keep ourselves and each other stuck and small when we buy into this and behave as if it’s true.

6. Women aren’t leaders.

Nope. Women are incredible leaders. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Recognize and value the unique qualities, perspective, expertise, and style you bring to leadership. In a world where so many of the top leaders are men, it can be tough to remember that you don’t have to lead like them, you just have to lead like you.

7. Stay small. Be deferential. Don’t be too big for the room.

Nope. Take up space. Come as you are and bring what you’ve got. You are in the room for a reason. Have conviction. Show your chops. Be you. Make decisions. You deserve a voice at the table. The world needs your voice. Stop playing safe and small. The minute you have an ounce of power, use it to make change.

8. Anger is bad. Don’t show it. Don’t feel it. If you do, you’re broken. Or a bitch.

Nope. Sometimes anger is EXACTLY what you should feel. Channel it into action, meaningful change, and justice. Name it to tame it. Use it for good. If you keep it in, you get sick and ineffective. Let it out in a burst, and you cause harm. Be aware of and strategic with your anger. Remember: Well-behaved women rarely make history.

9. Don’t express your needs. It’s unladylike. And off-putting.

Nope. If you never hear no you aren’t asking for enough. We must train ourselves to ask for what we want, need, and deserve.

10. Don’t trust yourself. Others know what is good for you better than you do.

Nope. Stop asking for everyone else’s opinion without listening to your own. Make your own rules. You’re the boss of you. Surround yourself with people who will remind you of that. There is only one way to a truly authentic and fulfilling life — and that is to live by your values and inner GPS.

Which of these (or other?) rules are you trying to break free from?

Mitch Shepard is Cheif Truth-Teller (HUMiN), an author, a trusted coach & adviser to some of the world’s top leaders, an applied behavioral scientist, a sought-after speaker, a recovering Catholic, an ass-kicker of cancer, a proud mama and wife, a social justice warrior, and a passionate world traveler.